A Fast Food Master Class on How to Lose a Customer

I’m 67 years old. I spent half my life in the 20th century the other half in the 21st. My generation currently represents almost 20% of the American population and will rise to around 22% in the coming decades. That’s a lot of old geezers.

Us geezers know what a rotary phone is. Back in the day our landscape was full of phone booths each with a rotary phone in it. We actually dialed phone numbers. There were no apps on rotary phones. Today we have mobile phones. Wireless mobile phones – with apps. So what does my wireless mobile phone with apps need to stay charged? A WIRE. Go figure.

Unlike phone booths fast food restaurants were few and far between in the mid 20th century. Where I grew up there was a Jack-in-the Box the next town over. If you used the drive through you got to place your order by talking into a clown’s wide-open mouth. It was funny when I was sober, hilarious when I wasn’t. Eventually we got a McDonald’s which set up shop right across the street from the clown’s mouth. It didn’t take long… Bye bye Bozo.

In those days a trip to a fast food restaurant was a luxury. A treat. Good for when dad was away on business and mom didn’t feel like cooking. We drove to the fast food joint and went inside. Yes we had to wait on a line but we went to kindergarten so we knew quite well how to wait our turn. We were greeted by a cheery order-taker in a tan uniform who would say “Welcome to McDonald’s.” True to its genre the food was packaged and handed to us FAST. Which is what one would expect in a fast food restaurant. We gobbled it down and loved every bite.

Today I can throw a rock in any direction and hit a McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC and a Wendy’s – just to name a few. I don’t mind if there’s a lot of them. I guess more choices is better but believe me these fast food places are not set up for geezers who, by the way, tend to have a fair amount of disposable incomes as we tap our 401Ks, pensions and collect our Social Security checks – just sayin. No, today’s fast food joints are configured to better serve the Jetsons.

Today’s Povertystew recipe is a lesson for fast food purveyors on how to take actionable steps to rid your franchise of old geezer money once and for all:

Step 1: Treat your customers who download your app better than the geezers who don’t know how to download an app or even what an app is.

Step 2: Get rid of human counter staff altogether and bring in ordering kiosks. All that smiling and greeting and welcoming costs money. And besides, kiosks never call in sick and do not require bathroom breaks. And whatever you do-and pay attention, this is important- DO NOT employ a kiosk attendant. Watch as the old geezers try to navigate the kiosk screen. Watch how their frustration grows when they have to cancel and start the order over two or three times before they get it right. Entertainment like this is priceless.

Step 3: Employ the 80/20 rule in servicing customers. Instruct your staff to give 80% of their attention to the drive through customers and only 20% to the customers waiting at the register. This will insure that the walk-in register customers (usually us geezers) wait a minimum of 15 minutes to get their food. Maybe then they’ll download the app.

Step 4: DON’T RAISE PRICES. Instead reduce the size and quantity of the menu items. If your Chalupa is 4 inches long reduce it to 3 inches. Make the large fries medium and the medium fries small – but keep the price the same. Us poor, blind, half senile old geezers will never notice.

So there you have it my fickle franchise friends. A four step fast food master class on how to lose a customer. Want fries with that?